time changes, so do we
who are we becoming?
perhaps i’m scared.
of the people we’ve been.
the people we are.
the people we will be.
perhaps i’m terrified.
of how easily it was for me to ever snap my emotions.
of how easily it ever had been for you to gain the affections of girls who were unassuming.
of how diverse my paths have become.
of how quickly you’ve changed.
of how i will be long forgotten.
of how you will forget me.
“have a great semester. i probably won’t be prominent in it.”
“have a nice life.”
“i will always pray for you.”
words that lingered in my head as reality set in that your future was going to be busy. expansive. productive. it’s all i ever wanted for you. the thought of your calendar filling up with social events, serving, classes, work, and everything in between, made me rejoice so deeply. perhaps that’s where the tumbleweed began.
as the tumbleweed picked up wind, it travelled to further landscapes from vast grass fields of dandelions and shaped hills to a place more desolate. the wilderness i’ve been hiding in.
perhaps in hearing your schedule, the pace you’d be walking at, a part of me got sad.
sad that we wouldn’t have time.
sad that there was a beginning, a defining dot of time where we had begun to bloom, inasmuch as a defining dot of time where we will begin to wilt, rot, die, and end.
scared of every dashing wind that caused turbulence in my place of desolation. cumulating hot sands in big waves over my fragile body, leaving me to scorch in the pain i deserve to bear.
a wind that carried whispers of, “he’s going to grow. don’t be a hindrance.”
“let go.”
“better to leave than to be left.”
“what gives you reason that he’ll want to hang out with you when he won’t have as much time as he did back then?”
“the only reason he hangs out with you is because he has some time and you’re accessible. you made yourself accessible. close off. it won’t hurt if you shut it off now.”
“you cry because you know you don’t mean that much to him.”
“you know there are prettier women. funnier. smarter. they deliver more value. they aren’t as damaged as you. you’re delusional for thinking he’ll ever sustain feelings for you. feelings go. even his will fade, watch.”
winds that mock, “you’re so pathetic for camouflaging on walls and crying in corners.”
a gripping voice that tells me, “isolate.”
a hallowing voice that viciously mocks me, “isolate. no one will care anyways. what friends do you truly have? what friend did you think you had in him? what lover did you think you’d ever find in him?”
perhaps i’m exhausted.
i’m exhausted of fighting.
of navigating.
of untangling these thoughts.
there are good days,
there are bad.
every day with you is a good day despite the bad.
but maybe i’m not a good day to you, as you are to me.
maybe in coming time,
you’ll find other people to bring good days.
you’ll find another woman who will love you much more, who’s good for you, who’s better than me. she’ll laugh at your jokes. she’ll encourage you. she looks beautiful in every frame. you might read with her like you read with me.
you’ll stop reading with me.
meeting with me.
laughing with me.
thinking of me.
knowing me.
remembering me.
i remember my place now, the bottom of the pit.
i am negotiable.
i am replaceable.
i am worth no weight in gold nor silver,
nor wheat nor barley,
nor blood nor sand.
i am worth nothing.
i am nothing.
who am i to ask for anything?
to bargain with cards i do not have?
with chips i have not earned.
with my organs that value to zero.
nothing.
i am nothing.
maybe i’m scared.
scared that in the timeline of things, this phase of our friendship draws to a nearing end.
there was a point in time where a defining dot of when we met that blotted the start of something new.
there was a defining dot when we began to bloom.
there was a defining dot when we realized we were best friends.
there was a defining dot of when you fell for me.
there was a defining dot of when i fell for you.
there was a defining dot when it all connected together.
and maybe i’m anticipating the dots of when you’ll get sick of me.
when you’ll tire of me.
the dot when you’ll forget me.
the dot when you’ll think of me again and think a breeze of, “those were some nice times” before continuing on with your wonderful life where there is no space for me. a wonderful life with black and whites. various colours. no maroon.
the dot of when we will have not spoken for days.
weeks.
months.
maybe years.
maybe we’d speak.
but we wouldn’t speak.
know.
remember.
maybe i’m scared that you’ll meet someone new and you’ll love her more than you love me. and she’ll be good for you. you’ll be good for her.
maybe i’m scared that you won’t make time for me. maybe i’ve given too much of myself to someone who thinks they love me, but maybe he doesn’t truly know me enough to want to secure a future with me.
maybe he doesn’t know himself and his future enough to know whether he wants to be with me or not. with paths and roads unwinding, why would he want to navigate them with me?
maybe i’m scared you’ll forget me.
how i push pull doors.
how i hate rice.
how i love perfumes.
how i scrunch up my nose when i get annoyed.
how i look when i pray.
how my voice sounds like when it says your name.
maybe you’ll stop remembering me.
but i know i could never forget you.
i could never forget your name that’s etched into the deepest parts of me.
i could never forget the sound of your laughter.
the kind of jokes we make before we burst into a fit of hearty laughter.
the way your mind decodes pieces and puts things together.
the way you twitch when you’ve began to figure the lines out.
i could never forget you.
any part of you.
i could sleep and dream of you.
i could eat and think of you.
i could cry and feel your tear that had streamed down my face.
i could pray and hear your voice praying alongside me.
i could breathe and remember your breaths lingering in my ears.
i don’t think you’d remember me.
i don’t think you’d want to.
my head makes you a liar.
i’m really hoping you aren’t.
i’m hoping you stick around.
that you make time for me.
fight for me.
but that’s a huge ask for someone who’s at the bottom of the pit.
someone who’s not worth remembering.
i’m laying down
sobbing
in the mess of tears i’ve conjured a river with
unsure of how to tell you
i want your time
i don’t want to ever stop reading with you
i want to keep reading with you
if we finish the old and the new
i want to repeat the new
repeat the old
study the new
study the old
they say it’s a book that takes a lifetime and beyond to learn
i want to spend my life learning it with you
i want to tell you
how much i love you
how much i remember of you
i take notes of what you like and dislike
that in case my memory ever fails me
i would remember till the day i die
i take pictures
i take videos
you’re always in my frame
you’re like a freckle of brown that lives on the surface of my eye
i always see you
you’re always in my eyes
i want to tell you that i want to spend the rest of my life calling you “my te quiero”
i want not just today
not just now
but everyday
and every day that builds into the future
a future where i don’t have to cry that i’m ever separated from you
a future where i don’t have to end calls
or have space to cry in corners
a future where i can hold you
a future where i can say “our”
“my”
“you, and me”
“me, and you”
i want to tell you i’m in so much pain
i feel the sting with every movement my body makes, voluntarily or involuntarily
in thinking you won’t have time for me
better yet, won’t make time for me
won’t want to continue reading with me
won’t want to spend a lifetime with me
won’t want to know me
won’t want to remember me
i want to tell you that perhaps
until the future
you’d have to spend every day reminding me that you love me
not that i’d forget
but that i’d have faith
trust
confidence
that displays your reflected sincerity
i want to tell you that i want you to fight for me
to trust me
to confide in me
to never forget me
to find me in all things
to keep maroons in your schedule
to find excuses to meet with me
to keep knocking
keep pulling
keep pushing
keep chipping down even when i keep building
i want to tell you that i’m a jealous woman
a hyper imaginative woman
you laugh with her once
i see the wedding bands on your fingers
you call her pretty
i see you holding her hand
i hate it
but it happens
in the fear of believing i’m not the one for you
there is someone prettier
funnier
smarter
who could love you more
and you’d love her more
and that shatters my heart like nothing other
something so shattering
that makes me want to wail and sob
i hate that everyone wants you as much as i do
that they’d ever know you like i know you
i want you to assure me that we’re merely pivoting into a different defining dot
that will go down wonderfully in the timeline we’ve been building since we’ve known each other
that you love me
and that will never stop being a defining dot
i’ll know it in the time you spend with me
doing nothing
doing everything
talking about nothing
talking about everything
it’s in the time
in the acts of services you do for me
in the words you say and don’t say
in the prayers you whisper for me
it’s in you remembering me
taking pictures of me
writing about me
giving me a wooden stand
in calling me to keep me company
in so many little ways that tell me
remind me
that you are here
and you’re not leaving
you’re leaving imprints
and you’re letting me leave imprints
so i don’t know how to tell you
that when i’m pushing you away
it’s because i want you all the closer
but i never want to ask
because i’m scared you’ll say no
i’m scared you won’t want to know me anymore
i’m scared you won’t want to remember me anymore
i want to tell you to come to me today
to meet with me
to hug me
to kiss my hand
to pray with me
to assure me you will make time for me
that it’s a bargain i ask for everyday
but a bargain that you’d like to indulge in as well
i want you to promise me you’ll make time for me
that everything else will happen
but i’ll still be there
walking alongside you
that you’ll still be beside me
that i’m not too much for you
you’re not too much for me
we’re still learning how to love one another
how to show it to one another
i want you to kiss my hand and tell me that somewhere in your heart
you think about how it’s unspoken that i’m in your future plans as much as you’re in mine
to speak plainly
that you want me in your future
you want me to walk alongside you
moving forward
moving through time
that’s too much to ask
it’s not my place
i want to tell you to come to me today
to meet with me
i look like a raccoon
but you’d smile
and be truthful with
whatever comes out of your mouth
i want to tell you to come to me today
nothing special
i just want you to
i just want to be known today
remembered for tomorrow
but this may be too much to ask for
this is too much to ask for
